• Phil Parker

You know you're in an alien invasion story when...


We've seen enough films to recognise the signs so you'd hope we'd know when our home planet suddenly grabs the attention of a space-faring species who decide it would be ideal for a holiday home. There are plenty of novels too. We must have covered every lesson in the How to Invade a Planet manual. You'd hope, right?

So here are some of the signs to look out for:

  • Old Mrs Murdoch who lives two doors down gets obsessive about wanting to know all the details about the air base just outside of town. Perhaps it's not dementia after all?

  • The scenery and props being used by the film company camped on the fields close by are so real-looking. Isn't it amazing what they can produce these days?

  • Social media alerts you to the arrival of benign aliens in Volkswagen camper vans, long before the TV news corporations cover the story. Intrepid locals have posted selfies, interviewed them and theorised how governments have been hushing it all up for decades.

  • Someone in a shiny metal suit arrives outside Roswell, New Mexico and asks if they can have their spaceship back please?

  • The couple next door, Mr & Mrs Rodgers, are sun-bathing when you notice neither has a belly button. It makes you question the purpose of those huge pods in their garden, surely peas should never grow that big?

  • The light show over Stonehenge in recent nights isn't the army on manoeurvers on Salisbury Plain. The structure did have an astronomical purpose after all - just not for us.

  • The huge spaceships hovering over our capital cities announce they've changed their minds about the invasion. When they set off for Earth 350 years ago, the planet was so green and healthy. What have we done to the place?

  • The owls depart in a collective mass evacuation, unable to communicate to us in their language how they won't stay if even more aliens have been invited.

  • On live TV, a huge, lizard head bursts out of the skin suit that we'd called Donald Trump and announces the game is up!

  • Someone in front of you in the cinema watching the latest Star Wars film points at the star cruiser and says, "Ha! It's nothing like that. You'd never get that kind of acceleration and maneuverability!"

  • A pleasant looking young man, with oddly elongated facial features and grey skin, rings your doorbell and, with coin in hand, asks if he can phone home?

  • Increased power cuts lately seem to happen every time your neighbour comes home from his business trips and he goes to work on his 'special project' in the garage

  • The stray cat that's been hanging around lately stares through the windows and you could swear it was talking into its flea collar

  • Every night, at 8.01pm you find yourself staring at the TV and have no memory of what you're watching until 8.59pm. Surely reality Tv hasn't got that boring has it?

  • Your daughter tells you the 4 new kids at her school have trouble fitting in because they don't understand why communication needs words to be spoken out loud

If you've got more signs, then get in touch and share them. You could save the world! Tweet your thoughts to me at https://twitter.com/PhilSpeculates - use the hashtag: #Aliensinvadewhen

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